Daily Stuff

Hi all.  Well its official, my life is totally fucked up.  I have the in laws from hell and I have a husband I have grown to hate.  It really is quite pathetic and so terribly cliche.

I had a huge arguement with in laws a couple of weeks back and my father in law grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me and was yelling me with his face about 2 cm away from mine.  Totally freaked me out as  I was sitting on a couch at the time and he came and grabbed me (whilst I was sitting down) towering over me and just totally making me feel like I was nothing.  And my husband did nothing.  Instead he blamed me, as usual, as his family takes precedence.

I just totally feel like everything in my life is done for someone else, which unfortunately it is.  I have 3 teenagers that treat me like shit.  Plus a 5 year old that treats me like a personal slave and finally a husband who does not care about anyone but himself.

Last year i got pregnant to a playmate.  It really was the most fucked up thing that had ever happened to me.  I wasn’t on any contraception but I always worked out my dates and never had a problem.  I also always used condoms with any playmates so there was never any issue of me getting pregnant.  Until this particular playmate.

Because he took forever to come condoms were never much fun with him.  And after hours of rather painful sex it was just easiest to get him not use a condom.  I told him not to come in me.  But one time he did, he couldn’t control himself and he came in me.  I was not impressed but since I was fine date wise was not too concerned about it.

Then a few weeks later all the tell tale signs of pregnancy starting showing.  I was horrified and dumbfounded, I couldn’t possibly be pregnant.  I am always so careful and everything I do is always so planned, how could it have happened?

Well long story short, I was pregnant and I had to have an abortion.  Unfortunately the abortion went horribly wrong and I ended up having to have emergency surgery to correct the mistakes made by the first doctor.  Things were pretty bad.

I did tell the baby daddy but he was not interested, and not that he should have been.  But he did treat me really badly, like I had done it on purpose.  And then I never heard from him again.  Which was fine with me cos I did not want to talk to him anyway and the one time I had text him to see how he was, he was so rude and dismissive to me, I got the message loud and clear that he did not want anything to do with me.

Time moved on (as it does) and I decided that I wanted to hook up with another playmate, so I advertised on the Internet.  And low and behold who should message me but the baby daddy. 

After I had given him a piece of my mind, he apologised told me he ended up liking me far to much and that the way he treated me was pretty shit and he was really sorry.  He did tell me that he was keen to catch up again if I was keen.  I thought to myself that it might be a possibility as he was actually kinda cute, had a big cock and was pretty good in bed.

For about 8 months we have played text tag – organising to catch up and then he would cancel on me.  I got quite sick of it, and told him where to go and deleted his cellphone number.  A couple of weeks ago I decided that I needed some debauchery so I emailed him, not expecting a response.  Much to my absolute surprise he did acutally respond telling me that he would love to be my fuck buddy but with his hours and kids he would not always be able to meet up with me.

Anyway, surprisingly enough we organised a hook up yesterday which actually did happen.  He came over to mine.  When I saw him (it has been a year since I saw him last) I was horrified and so not attracted to him.  He had gotten fat and was totally not attractive to me at all.

We spent a rather uncomfortable hour chatting away, with me thinking god how am I gonna fuck him? When he awkwardly grabbed me and we started having rather odd sex.

Unfortunately I am the queen of doing things that I really shouldn’t and I totally should  not have had sex with him.  This guy constantly wears a hat and is OK  looking with his hat on but with when he takes his hat off, you understand why he wears a hat – they guy is like 30 and he has such bad onset baldness and receding hair line it is scary!  It was actually kinda creepy.

And the sex was horrible.  He didn’t even come and it lasted so long (over an hour) and I got so dry (cos how could i be turned on with him and with horrible sex??) that I actually bled afterwards which has never ever happened to me before. 

I was so relieved when he finally got off me.  And then I just looked at him and thought to myself, fuck, what was I thinking??

He gave me a hug as he was leaving and said to me that he really did have fun and that he was not available for the next couple of weeks but he was free after that.  Then he said to text him when I wanted to hook up again.  I looked at him as if to say what gave you the idea that I actually wanted to fuck you ever again, and then he left.  And I was left there on my own thinking fuck me what have I done??

 

Well it’s been a strange last week or so for me.  There are so many things to tell you all.  Let me begin with the former BFF of mine and how she wigged out.

Last Friday night, a couple of my girlies and I decided to head out for a girls night out.  I love a girl’s night out as I do not get out very often and enjoy the time when I do manage to go out for a night of shaking my rather large booty.

I organised to head out with my BFF Clare and my new BFF Julie.  Julie is just gorgeous.  She is one of these women who hides her amazing figure under rather dowdy clothes so imagine my absolute surprise when I arrived to pick her up and there she is dressed (totally overdressed) to the nines and looking fucking hot.  Seriously, she has a body to die for.

So we head out to the pub and wait for Clare to arrive.  She does arrive and I have to say that she is not looking her best.  Do not get me wrong, I am certainly not attractive, nor I am slim, but at least I attempt to make an effort.  Clare unfortunately did not make an effort and when she saw my friend, I think she felt slightly fat and unattractive (and the reason I say that is that is exactly how I felt!).

The night progressed nicely; I had a few drinks and was nicely buzzing as was Julie.  Clare on the other had was not drinking and in a rather strange mood.  When I made comment that I had had a 24 year old for lunch (that blog is coming up), she got even stranger.  (NB:  She is the one friend that knows about my exploits, even though in hindsight, she probably was not the best person to tell – in fact no one is, hence why I am now keeping a blog).

So a few minutes later, we’re all outside having a fag.  We’re sitting there, Me, Clare and Julie and about 20 other people who are also out having a ciggie, when Clare just suddenly says out of the blue “Oh my god, I did realise how small your boobs are compared to my Double D’s!”.  Julie and I just sat there with our mouths wide open, as did everyone else in ear shot.  Julie then turns around and says, well if you think she is small then my god I must be totally flat chested”.  Clare then tries to back track and turn around what she said.

Me, I am gobsmacked by this but let it slide.  I figure she can’t have meant it, but there is a bit of me that realises just how bitchy a tone that comment actually had to it.

So about an hour (and several drinks) later, we’re all up on the dance floor shaking our booty’s when the band tries to do something, which backfires and makes them look like total eggs, to which I laugh.  Clare stops what she is doing, makes a fist at me and then comes over to where I am standing and PUSHES ME.  Really hard, so hard that I stumble, nearly fall over and hit a wall.  Because I was slightly tipsy, I don’t really think anything of this, even though Julie and everyone else on the dance floor are all looking at us as though we are about to have a fist fight.  I did ask Clare what her problem was and she replies that I had laughed at her, which I totally hadn’t.  Once I explained to her what I was laughing at, she apologies, but the evening has now changed and things are like they were.

Clare leaves not long after that.  Julie and I continue to drink and when the band finishes get my hubby to pick us up.

Its not til the next morning as I was discussing the nights events with my hubby, that I realise just how strange Clare’s behaviour was.   So I decide to say something to her.

I send her a message on Facebook (she is s total Facebook WHORE) and pretty much straight away get a response.  She glosses over the small boobs comment (her words are “I vaguely remember me saying that I couldn’t wear a top like you had on….”  Liar, Liar, Pants are on FIRE!!) and then she fully admits that her pushing me was over the top and apologises profusely for it.  I attempt to respond but as I am on my cellphone, it doesn’t go through.  Clare has been putting comments on my Facebook updates, so I figure that everything is OK.

Just out of curiosity, on Tuesday last week, I decide to se what her status update says and I can’t find her.  The Bitch has “unfriended” me and BLOCKED ME!!  Fuck, I was totally gobsmacked.   I was just about to send her a text telling her what a pathetically immature girl she was, when I stopped, asked my husband whether he thought that would be a good idea, and when he agreed it wasn’t, I deleted not just the text, but all her contact details (mobile etc) so that I can never contact her again.  I mean clearly she is unhinged if that is how she is behaving and I really can’t be bothered associating with someone that unstable.

So I haven’t contacted and have no intentions of ever talking to her ever again.  She is an egg who clearly has some issues.  And like my hubby says, she is not normal and this just confirms it.

 

I am in a very strange place at the moment.  Not that that in itself is unusual.  What is unusual is the fact that I am all perturbed because of the 24 year old that I hooked up with on Friday lunchtime.

The 24 year old is a story in itself.  Let me tell you about him….

I met said 24 year old (who was actually 23 at the time) around this time last year.  I met him via an internet-dating website I used to have a profile on.  I cannot actually remember why I bothered to meet him, he was very annoying sending me through photos of his penis and being so horny that I had likened him to a rabid dog.

Reluctantly I organised to meet him but I was sure that I would just totally blow him off beforehand.  He text me prior to our arranged meeting time but I ignored him (at that stage, I had plenty of people who were interested in shagging me – my how things have changed…lol).  I figured he would get the message and I would not hear from him again.   So a few hours later, he rang me.  I nearly died.  Who rings people these days especially a 23 year old?  Aren’t Gen Y’s all about texting??  He had my attention then I have to say.  In addition, what got me intrigued was when he told me that he was off the film festival.  For someone who was as horny and rabid as he was, clearly he only had a one-track mind.   He could not possibly be interested in foreign films.  That would indicate some semblance of intelligence. 

My curiosity got the better of me and so I went along to meet this person.  Well I was in for a total surprise.  I was expecting some disrespectful young guy who would try to mount me the minute we met.  However, he was actually very sweet and polite.  I am sure if I did offer to go down on him he would have jumped at the chance, but he appeared to be a very sweet, genuine guy, albeit a very horny one…lol.

Therefore, I had to admit to myself that I was actually wrong about this person and that he could actually be an option (as a playmate).  Therefore, we organised a hook up to which he promptly stood me up.  After that, I was not that keen to meet him.  Moreover, at that time I had many other options so did not need him.

So for the next 12 months, we played the lets hook up and would set up a date and time only for me to pike out.  We ‘d then set another date and then he’d pike out or stand me up. 

But he always still intrigued me.  Cause he would ring me.  If he text and I did not respond, he would call me!  And there were times when I would just send his call straight to voicemail, and he would still ring me back until he actually got hold of me!!

I remember one night he rang when I was having sex with my husband and I answered the phone.  And there he was with is goofy voice asking me if I was keen to hook up.

I never ever expected for us to actually hook up.  I did text him a couple of months back and he did not know who I was so I figured that he had deleted my number and moved on, which even though I was kinda miffed at the time, I totally understood.

So you can imagine my surprise when I got a phone call from him a few weeks back asking me if I was free.  I said to him that I was surprised to hear from him cos he didn’t know who I was the last time I text.  He explained that was cos I was texting his 021 number and he doesn’t use that phone anymore.  

So then, I get this text from him last week asking me if I was free on Friday during the day.  Since he lives in town, I thought sure why not, I could go up and visit him on my lunch break.  I didn’t actually think that it would happen; I figured that he would stand me up.   But he didn’t and where he lives is like a 5-minute walk from where I work.  It may be close but unfortunately it is uphill (and fucking nasty hills!!) and so when I finally arrived at his place and I had told him to jump me, I was totally out of breath cos I also had a cold which means that I could hardly breathe….lol. 

He certainly was much nicer looking that I had remembered – in fact; he looked very different compared to how I remembered him.  And he was much much stockier, kinda buff even.  One thing that did strike me as strange was that he did not take his polo shirt off during the whole thing.   

Whilst the sex was not spectacular, he did have a good-sized cock.  He did finally get the facial that I had been promising him for a year, so I think he was rather happy. 

I am used to sleeping with people who are completely blown away by me.  I am not used to sleeping with people who I don’t rate with.  I like to think of myself as really hot in bed and as someone who gives fantastic blow jobs (EVERYONE I have ever been with has told me I give great head) and the guys that I choose to fuck all are very appreciative of that.  But this guy, not so much.  That was something I was not used to.

And you know what else has happened, cos he is not that into me, I totally want him!!  Even th0ugh the sex was not great, I just want him so bad.  I didn’t perform at my best on Friday and want to be all waxed, toned and prepared for the next time we bump uglies, if there is a next time.

A couple of years ago my hubby suggested to me that in order to get my “mojo” back that I start fucking random strangers.  Now that is probably a slightly odd thing for a husband to say to his wife, but my husband and I have been swingers for years (god I hate that term – it immediately brings to mind fat old people wandering around naked) and after I had had my child my hubby wasn’t into me anymore because I had gotten fat.

So I placed an advert on a dating website and viola ended up with about 500 responses.  I know, I couldn’t believe it either and it did do a lot for my ego, even though it really means nothing.  Men just wanna get laid and what is better than some horny housewife whose hubby ain’t giving her any?  It is like perfect, no strings sex, every guys wet dream….lol.

So the first guy I shagged was “The Photographer”.  He was a really lovely guy – in his forties, really tall, relatively good looking, OK in bed but couldn’t keep it up.  That doesn’t do alot for ones ego…lol

He and I hooked up another coupla times after that, but our schedules never seemed to match up.  I had/have restrictions due to my family commitments and I never, ever do anything with my family around.  I mean he was a lovely guy, and he had some talents, but you would expect that from a guy in his 40’s to be honest. 

Sure he made me come, but I am an orgasm queen, it does not take much to make me come at all.  The trick with me is the level of orgasm.  I have about 3 levels and the one I most adore is the one that makes my eyes roll back in my head and leaves me breathless.  One where the pleasure is so intense that I am rendered speechless.    And there are very few, if any, other than my husband that I can truly leave me spent.

Like I said, The Photographer was lovely and he gave me a good time and helped boost my ego, but he didn’t really do it for me.  Not many people do to be honest. 

Thanks to my life – which not unlike so many other peoples lives – I have nothing that is just truly mine.  Nothing at all.  Everything else is about my daughter or my husband or my students.  I am always cooking, cleaning, running around after, catering to or being bossed around by someone, and I just want something that is just mine.  All mine.  Just a few hours here and there of just pure bliss where I am not doing anything other than what I want to do.  It is so nice to be adored and even though it is only a few minutes, at least I get to escape and be free…..

Lordy, that didn’t sound too sane did it?  LOL.  I am not unhinged (well not today at least) but it really is nice to have something that is mine alone.

I am not normal.  I know I keep saying this, but I truly am not normal.  I don’t think normally, and I certainly do not have a normal family.  In fact my family is what I kindly like to refer to as a Jerry Springer Nightmare.

If you haven’t gathered, I am slightly dramatic and at times full of hot air (just refer to a previous rant about how awful my husband is).  But part of the reason I am like that is due to my fucked up upbringing.

My praents certainly did try and in some ways I can not blame them for the ways they were with us, but in other ways I can.  I have moulded my own life around trying to be a good person and making sure that I do not repeat the mistakes my parents made.  And I am proud to say that I have managed to bring my daughter up without ever laying a hand on her, and letting her know that she is loved and that no matter what, I will always love her.  My daughter is a confident, happy little girl because she is secure in her environment.   Admittedly my husband is an egg sometimes, but he is my egg and he is an amazing father.  My daughter is very lucky to have two parents that love and cherish her and attempt to give her everything she wants and needs.

My parents, unfortunately, were not like that.  My parents tried very hard but still it was never quite enough.

For those of you who don’t know, I had been unemployed after the company  worked for employed me on a 6 month contract.  The reason I took on a 6 month contracat was due to the fact that I needed a job, it was a great opportunity and also because the company pretty much guaranteed me a full time position.

At  my previous job was where I encountered the High Priestess of Rudeness, and Evil and totally UNATTRACTIVE old scrubber who’s main goal in life was to make mine miserable.  I shouldn’t flatter myself like that, the evil o’ scrubber treated another lady at work the same, so I wasn’t that special.

I really do not enjoy being spiteful and bitter about this woman, but she truly is that awful that she makes me coin the phrase “wouldn’t piss on her to put her out if she was on fire”.  How can one person be that mean????

Enough of that old scrubber.  The simple truth is that  I was royally shafted at my last job.  After my husband was told by everyone at the Christmas function that I was amazing and that they were so lucky to have found me, to then be told in February, nah sorry, change of plan, we don’t need ya anymore, even my husband was in shock.

So I managed to find myself like a dream job.  It is another 6 month contract but the beauty of this one is simply that I am getting paid so much money, I can afford to save a truck load of cash and be able to survive when the assignment finishes in 6 months time.

I love my new role, and hopefully they love me.  I am very pathetic about it though.  I am still so fragile from my last job that I keep waiting for them to tell me that I am no longer needed and to go.  So everyday I just wait for the inevitable.

I honestly did not realise how miserable I was at my last job until I started working where I am now.  Whilst everyone at my new job is very much in their own little cocoons doing only what their job description advises to the absolute letter, people are much nicer to me and I am actually part of a team.  Something I have not actually been for years.

Imagine my surprise when I got asked to go out for lunch with a bunch of the staff here.  I nearly fell over!  And people genuinely meant it.  There is no whispering and snide comments made or being excluded from conversations even though I sit a few metres away.  No feeling like I am the smelly kid that no one likes.  No being told off if i ate something that was sweet or chippies or something that was fried.  And no having to make the entire office a cup of tea, and having to refrain from spitting in someones tea because they were just the awful to me.

As my husband said, welcome to the normal office environment!!

My husband is a total cock and I really question why I married him.  No actually I know why I married him, he was the only one who would have me.  No one else wanted me… so I had to settle for the fat guy with a small dick who is actually really bad in bed…..

That doesn’t make me look very good does it, but to be honest he destroyed my self esteem so badly that I had no option but to stay with him. 

It was really sad, last year I realised how people grow apart.  You know how you get those couples who have been married for 25 years that end up divorcing, I totally understand that now.  It is amazing how you can wake up one day and realise that the person beside you is a fat revolting pig and ask yourself has he just become that or has he always been like that?

I know that you are probably thinking that how can I be so critical when quite clearly I am not Pamela Anderson?  And that is true, but simple reality is that he truly is a revolting pig.  He gets fatter by the day and he doesn’t seem to care.  He thinks it is acceptable for a man to be 140kg plus.  He doesn’t even think about heart attacks and when I mention to him about the possibility of heart disease, he snarkily tells me that I will be the one to have a heart attack because of how badly I eat – that’s right, all the vegies and fruit I eat qualify me for heart attack over he who eats absolutely no greens and lives on a diet of junk food and coke.     I mean jesus, what was I thinking??

I really am over being married to him.  You know he had the audacity to call me fat recently.  That is right, he who is the size of a house called his wife (who is admittedly a size 14, not slim certainly, but no where near as fat as him) fat.  And he also (after I had had his child) stopped having sex with me because I was no longer a size 8.  I mean that is fucked up…..right??

You know right now I am so angry at him that I can’t even bring myself to say nice things about him.  I do absolutely fucking everything for him and he does NOTHING.  I don’t know why I bother, wep why do I continue to do the nice things for him.  I get him up in the morning, because if I didn’t then he would be late for work.  I clean the house, I cook, do his washing, clean his shit from the toilet and get absolutely no thanks for it.  Its no wonder i slee with other people……

Hey ya.  I am kinda over it really.  I am over this whole thing.  I hate being unemployed and I hate having been for 7 fucking interviews and still not having gotten one yet.  It is well annoying.  I also hate people looking at me like I am retarded or something becuase i haven’t found a job yet.  Its not like I am not trying, cos I totally am!!  What is even more annoying is the simple fact that during the interviews that I have had people have practically empl oyed me and then I am informed several days later that I have been unsuccessful.  It is rather frustrating and damaging for ones self esteem.  I mean I have never been a person where I have had to fight for job, I have been the person who has had her pick of jobs.  It just sucks!!!

Another day, another day closer to leaving the hell that has become my work.  I know that is well dramatic, but that is how it has become.  And if I am totally honest, I would have to admit that I have never actually been happy here anyway and I am rather relieved that I am finishing up.

I’ve never fitted in anywhere and that has never been anymore prevelant than at my current workplace.